Foster parents have a crucial role to play at Christmas to make sure children living with them feel included and special on this important day
A survey by The Who Cares? Trust, a charity which works with children in care, has found that young people mostly enjoy Christmas more than they did before they went into care, but that there were issues around feeling out of place or intruding on family gatherings.
The survey, which was answered by 176 care-experienced young people, found that the festive season can be a difficult time for children in care, when they see everyone around them celebrating with their families.
One respondent said Christmas was an unhappy time for them “because although they try hard to make me feel like part of the family, I just feel awkward, like I’m not really supposed to be there”.
Who will they spend the day with?
Also important is to make sure children know well in advance what the plans for Christmas are and whether and when they will see their birth families. More than half (53%) of the young people said they were not asked who they wanted to spend Christmas with, 14% said they did not know in advance who they were going to spend Christmas with and less than half (43%) had more than a week’s notice of where they would be spending Christmas day.
Think about how they are feeling
Foster carers should be sensitive to how a child might be feeling at this time, particularly if they are in a new placement or if it’s their first Christmas in care. One respondent to the survey told how his placement broke down shortly after Christmas because he was sent to bed at 3.15pm on Christmas day for “misbehaving as it was my first Christmas away from my parents”. That child was one of the 10% who said a placement had broken down during or because of Christmas.
Get them involved
Asking children’s’ opinions and getting them to help with things like the decorations and food for the day are also important to make them feel included.
Most children (89%) said they thought of Christmas as a “happy time” and it emerged foster parents played a huge role in making that the case. Reasons included:
“Because I’ve been with my carers now for seven years and they’re like my real family”; “my foster mum and dad always make it special and fun and keep us nice and warm, we have lots of nice things to eat” and “throughout most of my foster care homes my carers have shown me that Christmas is a time to be happy and my current carers don’t treat me like a child in care, they treat me as one of their own and I like that!”
Being away from family
However, the 11% who said Christmas was a “sad time” cited reasons like “as much as your foster family make you feel a part of their family at Christmas, they will be surrounded by their biological family and you will know in the back of your mind that you won’t ever have that bond”.
Of the 5% who said they were not looking forward to Christmas, reasons included: “Just another day, never has been special” and “Christmas in one of the times I find the hardest and loneliest times of the year and I find it difficult to cope. The past three years have been the most difficult and this year is not going to be any different. I am hoping to be able to work throughout Christmas.”
Other issues carers should look out for at Christmas are the possibility of a child running away. The survey found 7% of respondents had run away at Christmas, citing reasons like “intruding on family occasion”, “stress” and “wanted to be with my dad”.
Natasha Finlayson, Chief Executive of The Who Cares? Trust said: “Christmas can be a very emotional time of year with such high expectations for the day and such symbolic weight put on families coming together. The fact that most young people in care told us Christmas is a happy time for them is very reassuring, but no child should ever feel unhappy at Christmas. The focus on family during the festive period is particularly difficult for many children in care, and many young people tell us they feel like an ‘outsider’ at Christmas.
“It’s clear that good relationships between carers and young people make an enormous difference, and that all carers and children’s home workers should be sure they go to great lengths to make young people feel part of the planning for Christmas.”
Kevani’s story
Kevani Kanda, 23, grew up in foster care and children’s homes from the age of nine. She now lives in London with her two children. She works part time and is studying for a social work degree.
“I hated Christmas growing up. I never had presents. For so many years I felt distanced. Everyone’s with their own family at Christmas, and even if you receive an invitation you feel like you’re intruding. [When I did] I liked the feeling that I was part of something, but it wasn’t the thing I would want.
“My first Christmas in foster care when I was about nine, it was ok, they were very family oriented, I felt alienated because it was quite new to me. I liked it, it felt quite fun, but I felt out of place. There were kids there with their parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts, and we [Kevani and another foster child] didn’t get that and we looked at them and envied their childhood.
“I thought Christmas was the time at the end of the year that you could get together with people you haven’t seen in a long time, extended family, to meet and have a nice big family gathering, play games and catch up. That’s the kind of Christmas I want for my kids. That’s the dream I always have.
“I try not to let my past and emotions affect my kids so my aim is to make every year better than the last for them. This year I’m going to get a Christmas tree and get into the spirit, so that it will be a proper Christmas. I’m not going to let the people who destroyed my childhood ruin my kids’ future too.”
